Praise kink, and how to bring it up
What a praise kink is, what it actually looks like, the phrases that work (and the ones that don't), and how to bring it up without dying of embarrassment.
The short answer
A praise kink is finding praise, approval or being told you've done well especially exciting or comforting, often within a dynamic. It's one of the most common kinks, it's easy to start with, and the simplest way to bring it up is to describe a specific moment you liked.
I found out I had a praise kink when a manager told me I’d handled a meeting well and I thought about it for three days. It wasn’t about the job. It was the words. That was a confusing week.
A praise kink means praise, approval, or being told you’ve done well is especially exciting or meaningful to you, usually within a relationship or a dynamic. It’s one of the most common kinks there is, and also one of the most embarrassing to say out loud, which is strange given that the kink itself is about being told nice things. This is what I’ve learned so far. For where it fits among other interests and roles, there’s a guide to kink roles and dynamics.
What does a praise kink actually look like?
For me it’s mostly words. Being told I did something well, that someone is proud of me, that I’m being good. The specific words matter less than the feeling: being seen, and being approved of by someone whose approval I want.
For other people it’s more about tone, or being thanked, or praise that comes with structure (a task, then recognition for doing it). It can be gentle and affectionate or intense and part of a scene. It overlaps a lot with submission, but it isn’t only a sub thing. Some dominants love giving praise as much as subs love receiving it, and some people with a praise kink don’t care about power dynamics at all.
Does it have to be sexual? No. Mine shows up in plenty of non-sexual moments too, which is part of why it took me a while to recognize it as a kink.
Is it a sign you’re submissive?
Sometimes. It was for me. Praise kink was most of the answer when I was working out whether I was a submissive, and I wrote about the signs you’re a submissive that turned out to matter.
But plenty of people with a praise kink aren’t subs. If you love being told you did well and also love being in charge, that’s fine. Kinks don’t come in fixed bundles.
Which phrases work?
People always ask this, so here are the ones I hear most often, all non-explicit:
- “You did so well.”
- “I’m proud of you.”
- “That’s exactly right.”
- “Good job,” said slowly, like it means something.
- Being called good, in whatever form you like.
The phrases that don’t work tend to be generic or sarcastic. “Great job” said while looking at a phone is not praise. Praise lands when it’s specific and the person means it. “You were really brave asking for that” beats “you’re amazing” every time, at least for me.
Some people have words they love and words they really don’t, so it’s worth saying both. I like “good.” I can’t stand anything that sounds like it’s talking to a child, which is a limit I put on my list after one very awkward evening.
How do you bring it up with a partner?
This is the part that took me ages. Saying “I have a praise kink” felt like announcing something huge. It wasn’t. Here’s what worked.
Start with a moment, not a label. “When you told me I’d done well earlier, I really liked that” is easier to say than “I have a kink,” and it gives your partner something specific to repeat.
Ask for more of it, plainly. “Could you say things like that more often?” Most partners are delighted to be told exactly what makes you happy. It’s a much easier request than most.
Tell them what doesn’t work, too. If certain words feel wrong, say so early.
Diane has a whole guide on bringing it up with a partner when the kink feels bigger than this, and it helped me a lot with the general nerves.
Should it go on your dating profile?
I think so, if you’re looking for a kink partner. “Into praise more than pain” is one of the best lines I’ve ever put on a profile, because it’s specific, non-explicit and easy to ask about. I wrote more about putting it on your profile, including the line that got me the best first message I’ve had.
On a profile it also works as a filter. People who respond with a thoughtful question are usually the ones worth talking to; people who respond with a string of compliments they clearly send everyone are easy to spot, and easy to skip.
If you’re not ready to put it in writing, that’s fine too. It can wait for a conversation.
What I’m still figuring out
Whether praise is the kink or the doorway to something else. For some people it stays exactly what it is. For others it’s the first thing they notice, and then they realize they also like structure, or tasks, or being trusted with something.
I don’t know which I am yet. Do you?
Frequently asked questions
What is a praise kink?
A praise kink means praise, approval or being told you've done well is especially exciting or meaningful to you, often within a romantic or kink dynamic.
Is a praise kink normal?
Yes. It's one of the most commonly mentioned kinks, and it often appears alongside submission, though people in any role can have one.
How do I tell my partner I have a praise kink?
Describe a specific moment you liked and ask for more of it. Something like 'when you told me I did well, I really liked that' is usually enough to start.
